Historia de uma vida...

By Daniil Kharms

Now I will describe how I was born, how I grew up and how the firstsigns of genius were discovered in me. I was born twice. This is how ithappened. My Dad got married to my Mum in 1902, but my parents brought me intothe world only at the end of 1905, because Dad was adamant that his childshould be born at New Year. Dad calculated that conception had to take placeon the first of April and only on that day did he get round my Mum with theproposition of conceiving a child. My Dad got round my Mum on the first of April 1903. Mum had long beenawaiting this moment and was terribly thrilled. But Dad, as it seems, was ina very playful mood and could not restrain himself, saying to Mum: 'AprilFool!'. Mum was absolutely furious and didn't allow Dad anywhere near her thatday. There was nothing for it but to wait until the following year. On the first of April 1904, Dad again started getting round Mum withthe same proposition. But Mum, remembering what had happened the yearbefore, said that she had no further desire to be left in that stupidposition and again would not allow Dad near her. It didn't matter how muchnoise Dad created, it got him nowhere. And only a year later did my Dad manage to have his way with my Mum andbeget me. And so my conception took place on the first of April 1905. However, all Dad's calculations broke down because I turned out to bepremature and was born four months before my time. Dad created such a fuss that the midwife who had delivered me lost herhead and started to shove me back in, from where I had only just emerged. An acquaintance of ours who was in attendance, a student from themilitary medical academy, declared that shoving me back in would not work.However, the student's words notwithstanding, they still shoved me andshoved me back, for all they were worth. At this point a fearful commotion broke out. The progenetrix yells: -- Give me my baby! And the response comes: -- Your baby -- they tell her -- is inside you. -- What! -- yells the progenetrix. -- How can my baby be inside me whenI have just given birth to him! -- But -- they say to the progenetrix -- mightn't you be mistaken? -- What! -- yells the progenetrix -- mistaken? How can I be mistaken! Isaw the baby myself, he was lying here on a sheet only just now! -- That is true -- they tell the progenetrix -- but perhaps he'scrawled off somewhere. -- In a word, they themselves don't know what to tellthe progenetrix. And the progenetrix is still making a noise and demanding her baby. There was nothing for it, but to call an experienced doctor. Theexperienced doctor examined the progenetrix and threw up his hands; however,he thought it all out and gave the progenetrix a good dose of English salts,and by this means I saw the light of day for the second time. At this juncture, Dad again started creating a fuss, saying that,surely, this couldn't be called a birth, that this, surely, couldn't yet becalled a human being, but rather a semifoetus, and that it ought to eitherbe shoved back again or put into a incubator. And so they put me into an incubator.

1935--------

The Incubating Period


I sat in the incubator for four months. I remember only that theincubator was made of glass, was transparent and had a thermometer. I satinside the incubator on cotton wool. I don't remember anything else aboutit. After four months they took me out of the incubator. They did this, asit happens, on the first of January 1906. By this means, I was to all intents and purposes born for a third time. But it was the first of January that was counted as my birthday.

1935

* Note: Daniil Kharms was in fact born on 17 December (Old Style) / 25December (New Style), 1905.